T-Minus < 100 Days

December 10, 2015

December is here! In just a few, short days, we will be on the official 3-month countdown to my due date… March 13^th. It’s hard to believe… and I’m still grappling with feeling like I’ve still got a long ways to go and wondering where the last 6 months have gone. BTW - this thing is packed with bump pics, my friends and family - prepare yourselves. Apparently, I don't have the vision or the opportunity to take photographs of more interesting subjects these days... probably because I feel like I'm becoming a hermit. 

The heat is majorly on in getting the nursery ready. We’ve done a lot of research, price checking and shopping, and I think we’re super close to pulling the trigger on a crib, dresser/changing table, glider and bookshelf. I’ve actually had a few of these items “in my Amazon cart” for weeks now waiting for both Black Friday and Cyber Monday to pass and see if they became eligible for any deals. See, Adam is totally rubbing off on me, right? I’m feeling the burn of anxiety in getting all of that stuff in the room and put together… because of course, I want to decorate! I’ve got more defined ideas of what I think I’d like to do at this point for the décor – so in typical Annie fashion, I’d like to go ahead and get it done… ummmm NOW. Or yesterday. And I’m bugging the bejesus out of Adam to move it along. We’re stopping at IKEA this weekend while in St. Louis, so fingers crossed we walk out of there with a couple of well-made, but good-deal items!

We went with new gray walls - and I'll be brightening it up with yellow, green, turquoise, etc. accent colors.
Still a work in progress!

Since Thanksgiving, we’ve had a few really nice, quieter weekends at home where I was able to get the house decorated for Christmas, finished up some crafts/shopping, started wrapping gifts, etc. And I binge-watched Season 2 of Girls while Adam soaked in numerous hours of college football. See... hermit status? Regardless - it’s really nice to stay put once in a while!

Future Leatherneck fan in the womb, ya'all... W-E-S-T-E-R-N... Go Western!

I say that as I prepare for what’s looking like it’s going to be THREE, count ‘em THREE trips to St. Louis in the matter of 10 days. This is due to both work and family holiday obligations and it’s not supreme by any means, but I’m dealing with it. First up is my Paradowski holiday party this Friday, which will bring AT and I up and back over a 2 short-nights-stay. Then back to Muskie to hopefully assemble Truebe Tyke’s bedroom. And then it’s all aboard the puddle-jumper flight for me to STL on Monday through Wednesday for additional work/meetings. And finally, Adam and I will load the car once more and get back on the road for Kayser Christmas in Edwardsville next Saturday. It’s gonna be cray. I’m placing the over/under on number of times we have to stop for me to pee around at ~ 4 per leg. It’s a tough time for my bladder these days.

Although at Christmas time, I can say that they're all "gifts for other people."

Other than that, we’re doing pretty good in Truebeville – bakin’ the little bun, buildin’ the registries (to which I’ve already received 2 gifts with no return addresses – please notify me if you’re sending me presents already!), and we’re bucklin’ down with thoughts and plans for the drastic ways our home and lives are going to change. My lovely friends, colleagues and family are working with me to logistically coordinate the six different showers coming my way (oy!) – but just like I did with our nuptials, I feel nothing but eternally appreciative and grateful. We’ll see how the ol’ framework is holding up after traveling a few consecutive weekends at 7 and 8 months pregs though… I’m hoping I won’t resemble a pale, humpback whale emerging from the dark, Iowan abyss by that point. Haha.

We also got to catch a WIU basketball game last week - vs. Iowa - our neighbors are season-ticket holders and offered up Monday night's seats after they noticed our flag out front. Pays to be nerd fans!

For real though, sometimes as of late, I’ll walk by a mirror or a window and catch myself being totally shocked at the reminder of what I see. I know it’s happening, and I’m starting to feel the regular discomforts of being 6 months pregnant on occasion… but for the most part at this stage in the game – I don’t presently and actively feel all that different all the time. On rare occasions, I actually forget that I’ve gained 13 lbs, which I know is hard to believe. I honestly feel it most when I’m trying to be as active as I used to… I run out of breath super easy (I’ve learned that there’s something the size of a rutabaga impending on my lung space), and I can’t bend over, stretch, or pick things up as easily anymore. I joke with Adam that he’ll be tying my shoes for me in no time. If I even decide to wear anything besides loafers or slip-ons after January 1st.

We took this on the same night - after I changed into my super sexy sleepwear - Adam said the bump was more noticeable in this flattering garment. Haha...

Heartburn: it’s my evil archenemy right now. The reaction is instantaneous when I ingest anything. I start burping like an infant (foreshadowing of what’s to come?); and it doesn’t matter if it’s sweet, spicy or a freakin’ sandwich -- I’m poppin’ TUMS like they’re breath mints. Nighttime is not the righttime for me – acid reflux is real and ruining my usual, gratuitous 8 hours. I’ve already become a more restless sleeper since growing the fetus due to some circulation issues, but waking up to insanely hot, sizzling lava in my esophagus has sent me over the edge. I’ve started propping myself up and snoozing like my grandma used to in her chair to keep the spewing at bay. Urban legend indicates this means your child will have a lot of hair. Now, AT has a pretty nice, lush mop on his head (even at the ripe, old age of 34, ha!) – but according to Carol Kayser – she had severe heartburn with her first pregnancy, and my brother, Matt, was bald for the first 2 years of his life. We shall see, I guess… can you imagine a newborn with a wild, ginger mane?

My #1 these days: cereal... Honey Nut Cheerios, Special K with strawberries and Grape Nuts. I’m not being too crazy with the kiddo types… although dang, Lucky Charms sounds freakin’ good right now. I also really like oatmeal – in the words of the stellar R&B group, 112 – Peaches ‘n’ Cream is my jam. In a close 2^nd place: celery and apples with peanut butter.  

We also attended an ugly Christmas sweater party - I got first place.
Sometimes you gotta bring the heat to the competition. #snowbump

To wrap this up, I’m proud to say that we’ve stayed strong in not looking at the gender envelope. Well, I hid it pretty well – so Adam doesn’t have any idea where it is – but I’m resolute now. Boy or girl – the kid is a busybody. The kicks and rolls and overall movement actually catch me off-guard and startle me sometimes the action is so strong in there. Of course, as soon as I sit down on the couch in the evening is when he or she decides it’s time to either exercise or party, one of the two… probably exercise if he’s like Adam (lame) or party if she’s like me… happy hour, anyone? Ha! I generally just think it’s crazy and funny and miraculous when it’s happening though… I’m pretty used to it by now – but each little flip still makes me smile and think: “Holy shit… there’s a little person in there.” So it’s okay with me if the babe keeps that up… But the heartburn can go ahead and hit the bricks.

XOXO - Merry early Christmas!

Be thankful.

November 22, 2015 

As week 24 settles in, I’ve started thinking a whole lot about my experiences over the last year – and the number of life changes we’ve endured. Getting married, packing and selling my first house, moving to a brand new town where we had zero friends or family, and me adjusting to working from home has all been quite a whirlwind. For both of us. There are so many pros and cons – but I can honestly say that I don’t regret a thing.

I'm going to issue a warning now: this isn't a peppy post. And not that many dudes read my blog (besides Adam, I don't think any males do) - but this is probably more female-focused than most. Take heed. 

I am very much looking forward to Thanksgiving next week and the holidays around the corner… this time of year makes me think a lot about my family and the appreciation and sincere gratefulness I feel for all that I have. And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t extremely excited about the food. To eat with no abandon for countless and delicious snacks, meals and treats? Um, okay.

I miss my Grandma and Grandpa Kayser a lot at Thanksgiving… that was my favorite holiday at their house. I know they’re enjoying it together in Heaven – but I can’t explain how much I wish I could have her famous dumplings this year.

I was able to stop by and visit last time I was home. 

Something that will always live in my brain and my heart is the experience that I went through around this time last year, as well. I’ve been struggling with writing about it, because to be honest – it’s still pretty hard on me. But I think it’s cathartic to let the thoughts and feelings escape my psyche, and I also think it’s important to be open to talking about it, for other reasons. Shortly after we returned from our honeymoon last year, we were happily surprised to find out that I was pregnant. Shocked is probably a better word – since we’d just started talking about “trying,” but I’m not totally sure that either of us was quite “ready.” However, with a missed period and a plus sign on that pregnancy test – Mother Nature was essentially hollering “Ready or not!”

It took about 36 hours to adjust from shock to sheer excitement and joy. We took the test on a Monday and were heading for Ursa/Quincy/Springfield on Wednesday for the Thanksgiving holiday – so I scheduled a doctor’s appointment for before we left, got confirmation that we were indeed, pregnant, and they estimated we were almost 6 weeks along. Which was another shock to me…  before totally grasping and analyzing the complex ovulation process, I was not very good about tracking my cycles. I usually knew approximately when to expect my period – but I didn’t realize I was as late as I was.

It was way too soon, but I couldn’t help myself and made Adam help me put together these cute little “early Christmas gifts” to give our moms that weekend where we wrapped up a couple onesies and applied stickers that said “Grandchild #4 – Eta July” – both of our families were as ecstatic as we were. I remained pregnant for another three weeks and had of course, become the type A obsessive that I am and downloaded every app and started reading every article and book I could about pregnancy and what to expect – literally.  And I was in it to win it – we were having a baby!

It was a Tuesday when I woke up to find a little bit of blood and the cramping started soon after. I tried my best to stay calm, called the doctor who told me to “wait and see,” and of course, I started extensive research on my symptoms and their implications. Most signs were pointing to what I didn’t want to accept… miscarriage. I can remember coming out of the bathroom that morning that it started – Adam was already at work for the day – and I physically knelt beside the bed and through sobs and tears, prayed that it wasn’t happening… that the baby was okay. But it wasn’t – the cramping increased over the next 24 hours and by that Wed. evening, I was completely doubled-over in bed with a heating pad, crying out and experiencing pain like I’d never felt before. I don’t think I slept more than an hour (I don’t think Adam did either) and around 3 or 4am, I got up to use the bathroom and the heavy bleeding had begun. We went in to the doctor the next morning, they performed an ultrasound and confirmed our fears -- there was no longer a fetus in my uterus. We were told to monitor my condition to determine if a procedure would be required – so Adam took the rest of the day off – and we went home to grieve. I naturally shed the baby on Friday. I’ve heard that I was lucky I didn’t have to have a D&C.  Lucky is obviously the last thing I felt at that time.

I think I cried for 2 days straight afterwards. We had my Kayser Family Christmas that weekend, and the rest of the holiday events were taking place the following week, and I got through them all in a blur. I hardly remember them, actually. The hormones and heavy weight of emotion that I was experiencing were unbelievable and devastating. I’d literally just sit and think about what happened all the time… I’d read about what I could or should have done differently. I felt extreme and haunting regret for not paying closer attention and drinking the weekend before I took the pregnancy test. And then at times, I would burst into tears over nothing. I still to this day don't know the cause or reasoning behind why it happened, and that's the knife to the heart of most women who experience miscarriages... there isn't usually an identifiable catalyst -- you're left always questioning and wondering what happened. Adam didn’t know what to do or how to help me. It took weeks, maybe months, before I felt like myself again. And as I said, it still affects me to this day. 

I reflect on this now, and it’s the first time I’ve ever written down or explicitly detailed what happened. Like I said, I think it's important to be open to talking about it, because a lot women go through it and feel ashamed for what happened. I don't put this out there for the world to know about me, like on social media, for example - but it did happen... and it changed me. And even with the major pain and sadness that I experienced last year and that I still feel at times, I am so thankful for my life right now – and that we’re fortunate enough to be bringing another life into the world, too. I think there are a lot of women who go through what I have -- I have a few friends and family members who struggle with fertility, and even though it doesn’t compare to what many of them have endured – I feel as though I can understand the stress, sadness, anger, frustration and wide range of emotions – maybe just a little bit better, after going through a miscarriage. And even now, I'm still extremely nervous about what's to come... we've got 16 weeks left to make sure this turkey is fully cooked (had to throw that T-Giving pun in there) - I think about and pray every day that I'm able to successfully deliver our baby.

In the spirit of Thanksgiving, I make sure to especially think about and recognize all of those women (and their sig. others) that I know who have experienced miscarriages or who understand the pain that comes with fertility struggles. I truly wish that peace can be found in their hearts, that hope never fades, and that gratitude remains true.

Now, let’s move on to talking about happier topics… but I’ll keep it quick, as this post is getting super verbose. We’ve had several fun, productive weeks since I wrote last – the grand finale of the wedding celebrations in St. Louis and Quincy, Adam’s work holiday party, and a quiet weekend at home with painting the nursery, purging clothes, organizing furniture and starting to feel the burn of nesting. The baby is moving a lot, way more noticeable and aggressively these days – and Adam even got to feel him or her from the outside.

All dressed up...

With no beer to flow... for me. 

Lots of adjustments for poor Murph lately, too – the beloved futon that he’s curled up on since coming home with me from the shelter (in grad school, circa 2004) was finally removed to the detached garage, and the loud noises of replacing trim and testing electric outlets had him basically sitting and trembling on my lap all weekend. Just the start of his troubles to come, I’m sure… my apps have told me the last few weeks that the baby can hear things pretty clearly in the outside world – we joke that Truebe Tyke will know Murph quite well by the time he or she arrives.

This made me laugh... totally true. 

One of his last futon naps... amongst Adam's messy clothes.

                     

Let's be real - he's super spoiled; he'll be fine.

My stomach is expanding like crazy, my cravings are severe, but short-lived, and my emotional stability is a tad in-flux. Which is probably both half the reason I decided to write about this today and why I just yelled at Adam for burping near me. I’ve found a few stretch marks (which made me cry), I felt a strong and urgent need to bake homemade cookies and eat a large, unhealthy portion of dough batter (which made me cry), and the cold weather coming in + my inability to make quick decisions and progress in the nursery + missing Jenn’s 8^th annual winery trip and my niece's baptism + some major work stress = me feeling pretty low… which, you guessed it – caused for a serious breakdown in the shower today. 

Eight inches on November 21st... come on, Muskie!

But tomorrow is a new day; it’s a short work week – and I’ll get to see lots of friends and family for Thanksgiving. I refuse to let myself dwell on the negative and think about what I’ve lost or what I struggle with… we’re going to have a kiddo to love, cherish and smooch in real life in less than 4 months. And I’ve already mentioned that eating with no regard excites me greatly, right? I promise to be cheerier next time around. 

Happy Thanksgiving to one and all!

Halfway there, homies!

October 30, 2015

Forgive me, Blogger, for I have sinned. It’s been over a month since my last post. :) My sincerest apologies for the extended hiatus! As most of you know, I do have a pretty good excuse – it’s been quite the month of nuptials, and I’ve been living in a constant state of airplanes and suitcases for the last 4 weeks.

Fort Lauderdale view

I’m finally home in Iowa for a few days this week – and then back to STL on Monday for a full workweek in the office and a grand finale to the Fall wedding event(s) with a dual evening of receptions on Saturday. Adam and I are literally going to be driving from one party to another; I’ll be changing my dress in the car (praying they both still fit), and dutifully making a bloated bridesmaid appearance for both of my gals. Woop!

#isurvived2soberweddings

I’ve warned Adam that as soon as that wraps up – it’s gonna be full on Baby T Prep time. I’m already feeling anxiety about getting the nursery ready and registering, etc.  We’re going to turn the guest room upstairs into the baby room – which means finding a way to move and/or consolidate a massive dresser that I have in there… full of MY clothes. Admittedly, I’m a hoarder – especially with clothes and shoes – and I just don’t know how I’m going to get rid of and/or dramatically decrease what’s in those drawers. Reality check #27 on this pregnancy train: the kid and his or her presence will take precedence over your 6 drawers full of workout clothes and pajama pants.

Pinterest example that will never end up like it's supposed to: I like the idea of a family tree for decor in there... but I do NOT want to paint. 

We hit 20 weeks on Monday - which is super EXCITING! But also daunting (here comes negative Nancy) – I’m only halfway there?!? Twenty more weeks to go… how can that be? In all seriousness, I feel like I’ve come a long way – hopefully the latter half will be an even better experience. And I’m sure that with the holidays around the corner, time is gonna fly… March will be here before we know it.

With the passing of 20 weeks, we got to have a big appointment with the weird gel that gets squirted on my stomach and a slightly strange technician who rubs a device all over and stares at a screen: the ultrasound! All in all – everything is good – Truebe Tyke is right on track! All fingers/toes and organs are looking good; and he or she is even measuring in the 82^nd percentile for growth at this stage – 1) how in the world do they figure this stuff out? And 2) why am I so proud of this factoid??

This is the time when we could find out the sex, as well – but we asked to be kept in the dark. Adam is wavering big time – he’s never been as resolute as me in keeping the sex a surprise (which is kind of shocking) – so I asked Ron (the technician) to put the results in an envelope that we could take home in case it strikes our fancy or we decide we just can’t wait any longer to find out. Which wasn’t really the brightest moment for me, because now that it’s here… in my possession… and I’m home all day long by myself… I’m kind of dying to find out. But I’ve stayed strong thus far! (It’s been ~30 hours).

I do think that regardless, we’re going to keep it a surprise for the rest of the world, so I’m sorry, my friends – you’ll probably have to wait with bated breath for the news to hit the livewire come March! Which drives my mom crazy, I’m aware. And since I can’t have a few drinks, get a little loose-lipped and let the secret slip (which has been known to happen in my younger days) – I think it’ll actually stay on lock-down!

What’s funny is that Adam and I are both just so excited about having a baby, I can HONESTLY say I don’t have a preference – and he agrees. Other than the name debacle weighing on my psyche, I am seriously going to be happy and content as a clam - no matter if we have a girl that I will ridiculously spoil with adorable dresses and headbands, or a boy who will undoubtedly have extremely stylish hats and suspender outfits to flaunt.

I’m pretty much full-blown showing now – but it’s not always totally noticeable, depending on what I’m wearing. And I’m still not putting on weight quite like I should, but the doctor’s not concerned as I’m just under the average and wasn’t a Nicole Richie before getting pregnant. It’s a difficult and strange thing to grapple with… feeling yourself expand and get heavier and not fight the urge to be upset or do something about it. I have taken it upon myself to eat more of what I want and indulge more frequently… and I’ve also taken advantage of being a little lazier than I might normally – but I’m also making sure I’ve got the good stuff happening too – tons of H20, fruit and staying pretty active when I can. And when I don’t want to get off the couch and make myself a smoothie, I use the time-honored excuse to Adam that I’m growing a life inside of me, and I’d love his assistance. He takes good care of me!

And speaking of smoothies – you guys will love to hear the spectrum of sizing that my apps gave me this week: papaya, mango, banana! That totally sounds like a delicious concoction you'd get at Jamba Juice, doesn’t it?!  Maybe if I bring back the Jamaican spirit of a few weeks ago, we’ll name the kid Triple T: Thunder (our favorite resort employee) Tropical Truebe.

Mandatory: if we name our child that, we have to move here.

I must wrap this up as on the one weekend in the next 2+ months where we actually did not have plans, I’ve managed to book us up on both nights – tonight, we’re hosting a neighborhood bonfire, and I’ve got cheesy potatoes to whip up and ghost paper lanterns to finish; and tomorrow, we’re heading to Ursa/Mendon for the big hometown high school football playoff game. Supportin’ the U – Go Mustangs!

In the spirit of the holiday, tonight I’m thinking about wearing a black shirt for the party, and then gluing a white circle with an “8” on it to my bump and answering people all night with snarky one-liners –

Little kid from down the street: “Annie, can I have another s’more?”

Me: “Outlook not so good.”

LOL – Q: do I maybe have too much time on my hands today to think about these things?

A: As I see it, yes.

Happy Halloween!

Awesome, little crafty item I found while antiquing in Muskie a few weeks ago.
I'm old, I've accepted it.