A Farewell Tribute to Tanya

January 28, 2016

This Saturday is January 30^th, which – as nerdy as this sounds – is a date I’ll forever remember from my younger days as when Adam and I officially started “going out” in the year 1999.  So I guess you could say it’s our anniversary of sorts! And that phrase "going out" always cracks me up when thinking about it… because it’s the 90s kid’s version of “going steady.” When I told my dad in 4th grade that Bryce Burke and I were “going out” – which consisted of our friends whispering secrets to one another as we ran around during recess and maybe strategically and awkwardly holding hands while we sat next to each other at the school assembly – TK hilariously replied, “You are 10 years old, ‘Tune – you ‘aint ‘goin’ nowhere.”

My first prom with a boyfriend - sweet hairdo's on both parts.

Nonetheless, it’s been 17 years since my official union with Adam Truebe – and I’m grateful all the time that I worked up the nerve (with the assistance of Boone’s Farm Snow Creek Berry and probably a couple Natural Lights) to profess my love to him on New Year’s Eve our junior year of high school.  Let’s act like you didn’t read that, Mom – I was an angel in high school! And try to remember that in approximately 44 days, we’ll be adding what’s sure to be an adorable and feisty member to your brood of grandchildren…. And we owe it all to responsible underage drinking. Hahaha…

Young and in love- and surely not on our way to a party at Woodworth's Farm.

Speaking of alcohol consumption, it’s a topic on my mind and in my conversations quite a bit these days, since I have been abstaining from the sauce for over 236 days now. And I’m honestly surprised that I don’t miss it as much as I thought I would. Don’t get me wrong… I get very jealous when 5pm on Friday rolls around and I can’t have a seasonal beer or glass of wine to ring in the weekend. But it’s not something that just KILLS me… in fact, this lady at the airport a few weeks ago made a comment about boozing that frankly made me sick (and I don’t think it’s just me) when she began chatting me up about being pregnant and not drinking, etc. She told me that when she was pregnant with her first baby, she missed alcohol so much that she would just sit around and smell the bottle of tequila to get her by. You should have seen my facial expression. Come on, lady! That sounds like it might be a more serious, personal problem to me. But to each their own… do whatcha gotta do, right?

I still wear my Urban Chestnut shirt. And it's official - what once was an "innie" is no longer.

 Now see that’s my way of reeling back on the judginess… I feel like remaining sober and not being able to participate in the fun and debauchery of life as it was before becoming impregnated has caused for me to have maybe a bit of a sharper edge these days. And I’ve heard from several gal friends who’ve had children relate to this… without the cushiony cloudiness of a few drinks in your system, many social outings are a little bit different… slightly more difficult. I feel like I’m honestly not that excellent of a conversationalist without the help of a cocktail or two… especially when interacting with friends who I may not see all the time or don’t have super close relationships with. But pre-pregs Annie… man, I felt like I ruled at the social situation! And that’s typically where and why things could get out of hand for me… I’m always having so much fun, talking to people, making jokes, telling stories, playing games, dancing, etc. that I don’t keep a very close eye on exactly how MUCH I’ve had to drink… and that, my friends, is typically when Tanya makes an appearance.

Most of my friends know this person. She was officially named and inducted into the group in late college/early grad school – but that by no means, is an indication of her maturity or knowledge level.  She’s the alter ego that takes over my body, mind, mouth and spirit when I’ve passed the point of no return while drinking – and she’s the worst. The grad girls know her well - she was officially on tour and made regular appearances from 2004-2006, which were not my proudest or finest years. Interestingly, many of my friends love her – probably because she can occasionally be the source of a lot of fun, slight danger/excitement and generally precarious situations when we all get together. Jenn and Squires, who know Tanya quite well and seem to be the only ones who tend to be present when she has risen from dormancy in recent years, claim to enjoy her company. Coincidentally, I (Annie) hate Tanya’s guts. I often tell people she's not invited or welcome at parties, and I don’t miss her one bit while I’m in this stage of abstinence. And Adam’s opinion of her? Maybe worse than mine.

Whether she’s getting a little mean or combative, getting lost, getting clumsier than usual (wet noodle), getting sick, getting sleepy, or getting escorted out of adult establishments… she’s an unfortunate facet of my personality that I truly hope officially deteriorates from existence. And you know how people say that your true selves come out when you're drunk or that drunk people are more honest? Dear God, that is not the case for me... Tanya is full of spit fire, snake piss and usually dirty, rotten lies! Sure, I might grow to miss her, at times. But all of these characteristics are ones that I am packaging up and preparing to seal with a goodbye kiss with the reality that I am becoming someone’s mother… Someone who is responsible for another. Tanya can’t handle that level of adulting. It’s time.  I know what you’re thinking, girls… the only exception where I’ll entertain the allowance of letting her emerge again is maybe a future Magical Mystery Tour where all children/offspring are at least 100+ miles out of sight. J And I say all of this with the hopes and dreams that I’ll figure out how to fully wrangle her, which I’ve been unsuccessful at doing for over 10 years now. Another TK quote after a particularly rough night where Tanya came out at a family wedding and I was seriously suffering the next morning (another disastrous side effect to her presence):

“Dammit, Annie – don’t you know your limit?”

“No, Dad, I don’t. If I did, why would I blow right past it every single time?!?”

All in the past, my friends… all in the past. Fingers crossed!

Truer words...

Now, I have found a way to still have fun the last 7.5 months without booze… and its all the better to be rid of the hangovers. Participating in a bunch of enjoyable get-togethers, including the 2 weddings in which I was a bridesmaid sort of demanded that… and I gladly accepted. It's like rising to a challenge! I’ve danced sober (seriously, that’s really hard though) – I’ve even sung karaoke with zero drinks to help me (thanks, Carrie). I consider myself to be a naturally fun person, in general, but being pregnant in social/drinking situations is tough… a bit isolating in a way… you question a lot about your behavior/reactions, etc. when you don’t totally feel like yourself or in your complete comfort zone… I’m lucky to have friends who bring out the best in me though, and I’m looking forward to what my new future looks like – and how my definition of fun changes. I was relieved and proud to have one of my Muskie friends, Kristen, tell me after one of our first times hanging out that she thought I was really fun… she said she can’t imagine what I’m like when I actually can drink. I’m really excited and looking forward to having a few beers (not 10) with her, come end of March! J

Okay, now that my rant over boozing and Tanya is over – an update on how things are going in he life and times of a 33-week pregnant Annie: we’ve been doing MAJOR work in the nursery – and it’s looking so great! I’m still thinking through a few finishing touches – but I love how it’s coming together, and I’m so excited about it. And it’s perfect timing, in my opinion – because I’m smack in the middle of a six-shower series over the next 4 consecutive weekends. My extremely generous and lovely family and friends are going to be seriously aiding in the stocking of the baby’s room and the rest of the house with everything we need for his or her upcoming arrival… we are so grateful!

So excited and happy with this... my first attempt at chalk paint!
And I've already started putting some of double T's little clothes in the drawers. 

His or her crib for right now.

We reupholstered the hope chest that I've had since I was a little girl.
Still picking out new hardware... and we're going to hang that sign on the wall above.

We pulled the trigger on a glider for the nursery.

First up on the shower schedule was with my hometown girlfriends and Kayser family ladies last Saturday – and it was so nice… adorable decorations, delicious food and wonderful company. 

My UHS gals :)

My Paradowski work girlfriends threw me a brunch shower on Monday after I trekked to St. Louis for my second-to-last work week in the city – and my boss was able to attend in person and then promptly went into labor herself that evening and gave birth to her 2^nd baby boy.

 Which really got me thinking/wondering/worrying about how delivery is going to be for me… and I’m honestly SUPER nervous about it. Adam and I attended our first free birthing class last week, offered through the hospital – and it was an experience, to say the least. They showed videos of various deliveries and pain methodologies. Adam was a little traumatized – and truthfully, so was I! I was watching through my fingers when the actual births were happening – which is exactly how I looked almost the entire time while watching The Revenant. And yet it never failed, whether it was the teen mom who opted for no pain meds or the gross couple who chose the epidural but also labored in the birthing tub – and homeboy got in the water with his girlfriend while wearing his wifebeater – I still started crying every time the baby was born! If I’m tearing up over skanky strangers in a low-budget birthing film when the child enters the world, how am I going to react when it’s our very own precious Truebe Tyke?? It’s gonna be a mess… I don’t think either of us is prepared. And for the record – he said he was joking – but after viewing the video of the girl who chose no “comfort measure,” i.e. delivered a 7lb child au natural, Adam said he believed I could handle that. I told him he was nuts. End of that convo.

Hope he doesn't want to dump me after I verbally abuse him in the delivery room.

 Next up is getting together with my STL girlfriends this weekend (on Saturday) and then the Truebe ladies are showering me on Sunday. I’m actually pretty positive I’m not going to be able to fit everything in the Subie to get it home to Iowa. But that's AT's puzzle to decipher, so I'm just plain excited!

I am getting more uncomfortable on the daily… but still feel pretty good for the most part. I’ve got energy and motivation to keep moving, walking, etc. – but from what I’ve heard and/or read, I’m worried about when the hammer’s going to drop. Many sources have said that around 34-36 weeks, the bod really starts to shut down, save up and prepare for the big D. My lower back is already in some pain – I’m using a heating pad on my desk chair (seriously, old lady) – and I kinda feel like my spine is constantly in an arched state… probably due to the fact that I’m carrying something that weighs as much as a dense pineapple in the frontal area. And literally – I feel like my bump is as oblong and misshapen as a massive piece of fruit right now, too. No longer is it nice and proportionately round… I’m pretty sure I can feel and see a head, a hip, maybe a shoulder off to the side. There are body parts. And it’s probably starting to frighten people when I’m sitting quietly and the flesh over my stomach literally jumps from a jab or my shirt noticeably moves when the baby starts to rollin’ with the homies. Seriously, the lady next to me in church a couple weeks ago gave me a look.

Hotel livin' this week... big ol' bump + legwarmers

 Many of my apps, articles, etc. are now calling this the “home stretch” – how long do you think a home stretch actually lasts in technical terms? If I were running a race, I’d probably consider that to be the last 1-2 miles… and because I’m stubborn and just a tad competitive (ha), I’d always save a little gas in the tank to make sure I had enough stamina to look good crossing the finish line. Here’s hoping that analogy applies here! And please note that I fully expect my friends and family to go ahead and line the halls of the hospital when the time comes and I’ll waddle by, slappin’ high fives and stopping for water breaks every 4 steps. J  

#finishstrong

Oh, hey 30 weeks!

January 8, 2016

Hello, Third Trimester!! I can’t believe that I’m over 2/3 of the way through this bad boy…

New carpet sighting! Since I rarely wear socks, this is a seriously welcome renovation.

It has been a hectic few weeks with all of our Christmas travels – but it was wonderful to visit with family and friends over the holidays.  

The beautiful view on Christmas Day -- my aunt and uncle's home on Cedar Lake, IN. And yes, that's the sunrise, folks. I had to get up to pee for the 2nd time around 6:30am.

I love that Brendan took this photo... Pie Face was a big hit this year!

And I’m very proud to report that we have been SUPER productive at the Iowa homestead, as well.

New carpet installed upstairs, new countertops, a new stove and new dishwasher in the kitchen – all are looking fantastic – and we even got the crib and nursery bookcase assembled and the new dresser moved in there. I’ve been pushing hard to get all of these projects wrapped up before Truebe Tyke graces us with his or her presence… I was pretty worried or actually relatively sure that it may never happen if we waited until after. I hear this crazy notion that babies take a lot of time and attention from their parents?? :)

Doesn't it look amazing?? I'm very lucky to have such a handy dad and husband. 

Funny story about the dresser (that Adam already predicted I would mention in my blog – I’m sorry, honey, it has to be done): we found a set that we liked at Buy Buy Baby the last time we were in St. Louis, and the floor model was marked as Clearance. Nothing excites AT more than saving money – so he was all about getting that one – and we’d planned to coordinate with my dad who has a truck to pick it up over the next couple of weeks and haul it to Iowa, since he was graciously helping with all of the other renovations. Turns out it was marked down so far because it had a HUGE scratch on the top – no idea how that happened – looked like vandals at work to me. But regardless, Adam enacted his primo negotiating skills, and we got them talked down even further – originally priced at $600, we got it for $240 with the coupon. I don’t think he stopped smiling all day after that. Ha! So, now he's sanded down the damage, and I’m planning to paint the top a different color (like a vintage or distressed golden yellow) with chalk paint and make it nice and baby/gender-neutral friendly.

Vandalism at it's finest in Buy Buy Baby.

I really haven’t been that excited or gung-ho into planning the nursery until the last couple of weeks… and now, I’m all in. I believe that’s what is called “nesting”… am I right? A lot of the bedding, etc. that I’ve been liking and registering for is star-focused… I guess that’s what you gotta consider when keeping things gender-neutral – you can’t really go with girly flowers or masculine airplanes (although I’m totally for women flying planes and men being florists, don’t get me wrong) – but regardless, I’ve settled on a celestial theme of stars/moons/sun/world elements – along with the incorporation of an adorable sign that Adam’s grandpa got us for Christmas that says “You Are Our Greatest Adventure.” Aint that quote the truth!?

We’re still keeping it relatively simple – probably just putting up a pretty mobile in the corner, maybe some easy star decals on one wall and some fun elements incorporated on the bookcase -- but I’ve also got this idea to put up a series of prints in nice frames above the dresser that incorporate song lyrics that reference these astrology-themed pieces with baby references, of course. And most know that I’m a HUGE music nerd, so this has been really fun for me to research and pick out which of these songs/artists I really like and want to be a part of the kiddo’s first space. Etsy is amazing for these types of projects.

This is what I’m going with:

·      Here Comes the Sun, Little Darling (Beatles)

·      Fly Me to the Moon (Frank Sinatra)

·      Look at the Stars, Look How They Shine for You (Coldplay)

·      Baby, You Are the World (Brad Paisley)

My good friend, Carrie, who’s a designer at my work, Paradowski – is going to create the last one for me. I’m SO excited about them… I’ll be sure to post a photo when it’s done.

We're getting there...

Okay, other than nesting – I’m learning to deal with some other interesting and not-totally-welcome implications of being 30 weeks pregnant. One – I have this super weird cowlick in my hair that has never been there before. Literally, where my hair parts in the front, I have a cluster of follicles that just stick straight up. It drives me crazy! I also have these little red bumps all over my arms and back – luckily, they don’t itch or hurt or anything like that – they’re just really weird… now what does itch is my stretching skin over my belly. I’m slathering various lotion and body butters/salves on there morning/noon/night!  I’ve already complained about the heartburn, and it’s still plaguing me, unfortunately. It was at an all-time high over the holidays, and I was suffering succotash… at 3am after returning from Christmas Eve festivities, where I ate nothing but junk (i.e. heavy appetizers and desserts), I woke up to actually having to vomit the acid that had built up in my esophagus… it was brutal!  My doctor has approved that I can start taking something more heavy-duty like Zantac if it persists – so really hoping that gets better…

Adam was doing this to be funny. I was highly embarrassed/slightly inclined to push him down. 

I also can’t get up out of the couch like I usually can either – and as Murph is getting older and more stubborn/lazy, he doesn’t really move for you like he should. I ended up hurting the poor guy the other night as I tried to get out of my nook on the chaise part of the couch and one of my heavier body parts (no idea which one – they all feel more dense these days) came down on his right leg. He yelped in pain and when I tried to comfort him and examine the damage, he curled into a protective ball next to Adam (who was sleeping) and wouldn’t let me pet him or take him to bed. I cried a little bit.

And for the record... he was fine. A little dramatic in his old age too, I'd say.

I had my glucose test a couple weeks ago, and was very proud to pass – for some reason; I was quite worried about that… I think because my carb/sugar addiction is at an all-time high, and I’m terrified at the idea of daily needles/testing and a potential bed rest diagnosis as I near my due date. But – you’re supposed to stay under 140 and I got a 77 – so the nerd in me feels like I aced that sucker… yes, I’m a bit of a Monica Gellar, admittedly. 

Everyone needs a little... how else would you have good stories?

For the first time in life as I know it, I went to sleep before midnight on New Year’s Eve. Now THIS is a sign of true adulthood – right? Or, I’m just a victim of circumstance (more likely scenario) and naturally took advantage of not being able to partake in celebratory cocktails or a party atmosphere. I did sort of force Adam into dressing up for 90 minutes while we went out to dinner at the nicest place in town – which let’s be honest, is not very nice – but the food is delicious – and I secured the last available reservation by waiting to call until that morning. Oh yeah, baby -  we were locked in for the 5:30pm senior citizens special. Ha! We were also home and changed back into sweatpants by 7:30. I fell asleep after two episodes of Making a Murderer and awoke on New Year’s Day to a fully rested body and clear, non-throbbing head. Major pregnancy win in my book = no hangovers.

All dressed up for dinner with the elders of Muskie...

It’s tough to make a New Year’s resolution when you’re actively going through serious mind, body and soul changes and will be reproducing a life just three months into the year 2016. If I had to choose something for now – it will be to go ahead and eat better/drink more water/get a little more exercise in the last remaining 10 weeks of this pregnancy. My doctor and Adam ganged up on me a little bit at my last appointment since some levels in my urine test indicated not eating/drinking enough – so after I got over the annoyance – I vowed to be better. It’s a sad thing when in real life, you’re a major eater and have what many might call a larger than most appetite – and while undergoing pregnancy (when it’s supposed to be okay to eat whatever you want whenever you want), you struggle with food. I’ve never quite gotten my appetite on track during this rollercoaster… I constantly struggle with ideas of what to eat and making decisions on what I really want to eat. I don’t have a lot of cravings. I always have buyer's remorse and want what the other person ordered. I’m so busy at work that I have to set reminders on my calendar to get up and go stand in the kitchen to stare in the fridge and the pantry and try to be inspired. “Grazing” is what I’m supposed to be doing since eating large meals is nearly impossible with the limited stomach space I have right now… and don’t think I didn’t take note of the large farm animal reference and how my bod is feeling at this stage either.

Anyway... we’re getting super close, my friends! Less than 65 days to go… I’m both anxious to welcome double-T and terrified that we’re not ready. One of my damn apps told me we should start practicing the route to the hospital and packing my overnight bag at this point. AAHHHH! There’s way more to do before I can even think about that…

In the meantime, I’ll be cracking the whip on my loving spouse while our unborn child continues his or her kickboxing lesson under my ribs.

Shout-out to my sister-in-law and Truebe Tyke's aunt who's got a birthday today -- Happy Birthday, Greta!!

Happy New Year, everyone!

T-Minus < 100 Days

December 10, 2015

December is here! In just a few, short days, we will be on the official 3-month countdown to my due date… March 13^th. It’s hard to believe… and I’m still grappling with feeling like I’ve still got a long ways to go and wondering where the last 6 months have gone. BTW - this thing is packed with bump pics, my friends and family - prepare yourselves. Apparently, I don't have the vision or the opportunity to take photographs of more interesting subjects these days... probably because I feel like I'm becoming a hermit. 

The heat is majorly on in getting the nursery ready. We’ve done a lot of research, price checking and shopping, and I think we’re super close to pulling the trigger on a crib, dresser/changing table, glider and bookshelf. I’ve actually had a few of these items “in my Amazon cart” for weeks now waiting for both Black Friday and Cyber Monday to pass and see if they became eligible for any deals. See, Adam is totally rubbing off on me, right? I’m feeling the burn of anxiety in getting all of that stuff in the room and put together… because of course, I want to decorate! I’ve got more defined ideas of what I think I’d like to do at this point for the décor – so in typical Annie fashion, I’d like to go ahead and get it done… ummmm NOW. Or yesterday. And I’m bugging the bejesus out of Adam to move it along. We’re stopping at IKEA this weekend while in St. Louis, so fingers crossed we walk out of there with a couple of well-made, but good-deal items!

We went with new gray walls - and I'll be brightening it up with yellow, green, turquoise, etc. accent colors.
Still a work in progress!

Since Thanksgiving, we’ve had a few really nice, quieter weekends at home where I was able to get the house decorated for Christmas, finished up some crafts/shopping, started wrapping gifts, etc. And I binge-watched Season 2 of Girls while Adam soaked in numerous hours of college football. See... hermit status? Regardless - it’s really nice to stay put once in a while!

Future Leatherneck fan in the womb, ya'all... W-E-S-T-E-R-N... Go Western!

I say that as I prepare for what’s looking like it’s going to be THREE, count ‘em THREE trips to St. Louis in the matter of 10 days. This is due to both work and family holiday obligations and it’s not supreme by any means, but I’m dealing with it. First up is my Paradowski holiday party this Friday, which will bring AT and I up and back over a 2 short-nights-stay. Then back to Muskie to hopefully assemble Truebe Tyke’s bedroom. And then it’s all aboard the puddle-jumper flight for me to STL on Monday through Wednesday for additional work/meetings. And finally, Adam and I will load the car once more and get back on the road for Kayser Christmas in Edwardsville next Saturday. It’s gonna be cray. I’m placing the over/under on number of times we have to stop for me to pee around at ~ 4 per leg. It’s a tough time for my bladder these days.

Although at Christmas time, I can say that they're all "gifts for other people."

Other than that, we’re doing pretty good in Truebeville – bakin’ the little bun, buildin’ the registries (to which I’ve already received 2 gifts with no return addresses – please notify me if you’re sending me presents already!), and we’re bucklin’ down with thoughts and plans for the drastic ways our home and lives are going to change. My lovely friends, colleagues and family are working with me to logistically coordinate the six different showers coming my way (oy!) – but just like I did with our nuptials, I feel nothing but eternally appreciative and grateful. We’ll see how the ol’ framework is holding up after traveling a few consecutive weekends at 7 and 8 months pregs though… I’m hoping I won’t resemble a pale, humpback whale emerging from the dark, Iowan abyss by that point. Haha.

We also got to catch a WIU basketball game last week - vs. Iowa - our neighbors are season-ticket holders and offered up Monday night's seats after they noticed our flag out front. Pays to be nerd fans!

For real though, sometimes as of late, I’ll walk by a mirror or a window and catch myself being totally shocked at the reminder of what I see. I know it’s happening, and I’m starting to feel the regular discomforts of being 6 months pregnant on occasion… but for the most part at this stage in the game – I don’t presently and actively feel all that different all the time. On rare occasions, I actually forget that I’ve gained 13 lbs, which I know is hard to believe. I honestly feel it most when I’m trying to be as active as I used to… I run out of breath super easy (I’ve learned that there’s something the size of a rutabaga impending on my lung space), and I can’t bend over, stretch, or pick things up as easily anymore. I joke with Adam that he’ll be tying my shoes for me in no time. If I even decide to wear anything besides loafers or slip-ons after January 1st.

We took this on the same night - after I changed into my super sexy sleepwear - Adam said the bump was more noticeable in this flattering garment. Haha...

Heartburn: it’s my evil archenemy right now. The reaction is instantaneous when I ingest anything. I start burping like an infant (foreshadowing of what’s to come?); and it doesn’t matter if it’s sweet, spicy or a freakin’ sandwich -- I’m poppin’ TUMS like they’re breath mints. Nighttime is not the righttime for me – acid reflux is real and ruining my usual, gratuitous 8 hours. I’ve already become a more restless sleeper since growing the fetus due to some circulation issues, but waking up to insanely hot, sizzling lava in my esophagus has sent me over the edge. I’ve started propping myself up and snoozing like my grandma used to in her chair to keep the spewing at bay. Urban legend indicates this means your child will have a lot of hair. Now, AT has a pretty nice, lush mop on his head (even at the ripe, old age of 34, ha!) – but according to Carol Kayser – she had severe heartburn with her first pregnancy, and my brother, Matt, was bald for the first 2 years of his life. We shall see, I guess… can you imagine a newborn with a wild, ginger mane?

My #1 these days: cereal... Honey Nut Cheerios, Special K with strawberries and Grape Nuts. I’m not being too crazy with the kiddo types… although dang, Lucky Charms sounds freakin’ good right now. I also really like oatmeal – in the words of the stellar R&B group, 112 – Peaches ‘n’ Cream is my jam. In a close 2^nd place: celery and apples with peanut butter.  

We also attended an ugly Christmas sweater party - I got first place.
Sometimes you gotta bring the heat to the competition. #snowbump

To wrap this up, I’m proud to say that we’ve stayed strong in not looking at the gender envelope. Well, I hid it pretty well – so Adam doesn’t have any idea where it is – but I’m resolute now. Boy or girl – the kid is a busybody. The kicks and rolls and overall movement actually catch me off-guard and startle me sometimes the action is so strong in there. Of course, as soon as I sit down on the couch in the evening is when he or she decides it’s time to either exercise or party, one of the two… probably exercise if he’s like Adam (lame) or party if she’s like me… happy hour, anyone? Ha! I generally just think it’s crazy and funny and miraculous when it’s happening though… I’m pretty used to it by now – but each little flip still makes me smile and think: “Holy shit… there’s a little person in there.” So it’s okay with me if the babe keeps that up… But the heartburn can go ahead and hit the bricks.

XOXO - Merry early Christmas!

Be thankful.

November 22, 2015 

As week 24 settles in, I’ve started thinking a whole lot about my experiences over the last year – and the number of life changes we’ve endured. Getting married, packing and selling my first house, moving to a brand new town where we had zero friends or family, and me adjusting to working from home has all been quite a whirlwind. For both of us. There are so many pros and cons – but I can honestly say that I don’t regret a thing.

I'm going to issue a warning now: this isn't a peppy post. And not that many dudes read my blog (besides Adam, I don't think any males do) - but this is probably more female-focused than most. Take heed. 

I am very much looking forward to Thanksgiving next week and the holidays around the corner… this time of year makes me think a lot about my family and the appreciation and sincere gratefulness I feel for all that I have. And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t extremely excited about the food. To eat with no abandon for countless and delicious snacks, meals and treats? Um, okay.

I miss my Grandma and Grandpa Kayser a lot at Thanksgiving… that was my favorite holiday at their house. I know they’re enjoying it together in Heaven – but I can’t explain how much I wish I could have her famous dumplings this year.

I was able to stop by and visit last time I was home. 

Something that will always live in my brain and my heart is the experience that I went through around this time last year, as well. I’ve been struggling with writing about it, because to be honest – it’s still pretty hard on me. But I think it’s cathartic to let the thoughts and feelings escape my psyche, and I also think it’s important to be open to talking about it, for other reasons. Shortly after we returned from our honeymoon last year, we were happily surprised to find out that I was pregnant. Shocked is probably a better word – since we’d just started talking about “trying,” but I’m not totally sure that either of us was quite “ready.” However, with a missed period and a plus sign on that pregnancy test – Mother Nature was essentially hollering “Ready or not!”

It took about 36 hours to adjust from shock to sheer excitement and joy. We took the test on a Monday and were heading for Ursa/Quincy/Springfield on Wednesday for the Thanksgiving holiday – so I scheduled a doctor’s appointment for before we left, got confirmation that we were indeed, pregnant, and they estimated we were almost 6 weeks along. Which was another shock to me…  before totally grasping and analyzing the complex ovulation process, I was not very good about tracking my cycles. I usually knew approximately when to expect my period – but I didn’t realize I was as late as I was.

It was way too soon, but I couldn’t help myself and made Adam help me put together these cute little “early Christmas gifts” to give our moms that weekend where we wrapped up a couple onesies and applied stickers that said “Grandchild #4 – Eta July” – both of our families were as ecstatic as we were. I remained pregnant for another three weeks and had of course, become the type A obsessive that I am and downloaded every app and started reading every article and book I could about pregnancy and what to expect – literally.  And I was in it to win it – we were having a baby!

It was a Tuesday when I woke up to find a little bit of blood and the cramping started soon after. I tried my best to stay calm, called the doctor who told me to “wait and see,” and of course, I started extensive research on my symptoms and their implications. Most signs were pointing to what I didn’t want to accept… miscarriage. I can remember coming out of the bathroom that morning that it started – Adam was already at work for the day – and I physically knelt beside the bed and through sobs and tears, prayed that it wasn’t happening… that the baby was okay. But it wasn’t – the cramping increased over the next 24 hours and by that Wed. evening, I was completely doubled-over in bed with a heating pad, crying out and experiencing pain like I’d never felt before. I don’t think I slept more than an hour (I don’t think Adam did either) and around 3 or 4am, I got up to use the bathroom and the heavy bleeding had begun. We went in to the doctor the next morning, they performed an ultrasound and confirmed our fears -- there was no longer a fetus in my uterus. We were told to monitor my condition to determine if a procedure would be required – so Adam took the rest of the day off – and we went home to grieve. I naturally shed the baby on Friday. I’ve heard that I was lucky I didn’t have to have a D&C.  Lucky is obviously the last thing I felt at that time.

I think I cried for 2 days straight afterwards. We had my Kayser Family Christmas that weekend, and the rest of the holiday events were taking place the following week, and I got through them all in a blur. I hardly remember them, actually. The hormones and heavy weight of emotion that I was experiencing were unbelievable and devastating. I’d literally just sit and think about what happened all the time… I’d read about what I could or should have done differently. I felt extreme and haunting regret for not paying closer attention and drinking the weekend before I took the pregnancy test. And then at times, I would burst into tears over nothing. I still to this day don't know the cause or reasoning behind why it happened, and that's the knife to the heart of most women who experience miscarriages... there isn't usually an identifiable catalyst -- you're left always questioning and wondering what happened. Adam didn’t know what to do or how to help me. It took weeks, maybe months, before I felt like myself again. And as I said, it still affects me to this day. 

I reflect on this now, and it’s the first time I’ve ever written down or explicitly detailed what happened. Like I said, I think it's important to be open to talking about it, because a lot women go through it and feel ashamed for what happened. I don't put this out there for the world to know about me, like on social media, for example - but it did happen... and it changed me. And even with the major pain and sadness that I experienced last year and that I still feel at times, I am so thankful for my life right now – and that we’re fortunate enough to be bringing another life into the world, too. I think there are a lot of women who go through what I have -- I have a few friends and family members who struggle with fertility, and even though it doesn’t compare to what many of them have endured – I feel as though I can understand the stress, sadness, anger, frustration and wide range of emotions – maybe just a little bit better, after going through a miscarriage. And even now, I'm still extremely nervous about what's to come... we've got 16 weeks left to make sure this turkey is fully cooked (had to throw that T-Giving pun in there) - I think about and pray every day that I'm able to successfully deliver our baby.

In the spirit of Thanksgiving, I make sure to especially think about and recognize all of those women (and their sig. others) that I know who have experienced miscarriages or who understand the pain that comes with fertility struggles. I truly wish that peace can be found in their hearts, that hope never fades, and that gratitude remains true.

Now, let’s move on to talking about happier topics… but I’ll keep it quick, as this post is getting super verbose. We’ve had several fun, productive weeks since I wrote last – the grand finale of the wedding celebrations in St. Louis and Quincy, Adam’s work holiday party, and a quiet weekend at home with painting the nursery, purging clothes, organizing furniture and starting to feel the burn of nesting. The baby is moving a lot, way more noticeable and aggressively these days – and Adam even got to feel him or her from the outside.

All dressed up...

With no beer to flow... for me. 

Lots of adjustments for poor Murph lately, too – the beloved futon that he’s curled up on since coming home with me from the shelter (in grad school, circa 2004) was finally removed to the detached garage, and the loud noises of replacing trim and testing electric outlets had him basically sitting and trembling on my lap all weekend. Just the start of his troubles to come, I’m sure… my apps have told me the last few weeks that the baby can hear things pretty clearly in the outside world – we joke that Truebe Tyke will know Murph quite well by the time he or she arrives.

This made me laugh... totally true. 

One of his last futon naps... amongst Adam's messy clothes.

                     

Let's be real - he's super spoiled; he'll be fine.

My stomach is expanding like crazy, my cravings are severe, but short-lived, and my emotional stability is a tad in-flux. Which is probably both half the reason I decided to write about this today and why I just yelled at Adam for burping near me. I’ve found a few stretch marks (which made me cry), I felt a strong and urgent need to bake homemade cookies and eat a large, unhealthy portion of dough batter (which made me cry), and the cold weather coming in + my inability to make quick decisions and progress in the nursery + missing Jenn’s 8^th annual winery trip and my niece's baptism + some major work stress = me feeling pretty low… which, you guessed it – caused for a serious breakdown in the shower today. 

Eight inches on November 21st... come on, Muskie!

But tomorrow is a new day; it’s a short work week – and I’ll get to see lots of friends and family for Thanksgiving. I refuse to let myself dwell on the negative and think about what I’ve lost or what I struggle with… we’re going to have a kiddo to love, cherish and smooch in real life in less than 4 months. And I’ve already mentioned that eating with no regard excites me greatly, right? I promise to be cheerier next time around. 

Happy Thanksgiving to one and all!