Be thankful.

November 22, 2015 

As week 24 settles in, I’ve started thinking a whole lot about my experiences over the last year – and the number of life changes we’ve endured. Getting married, packing and selling my first house, moving to a brand new town where we had zero friends or family, and me adjusting to working from home has all been quite a whirlwind. For both of us. There are so many pros and cons – but I can honestly say that I don’t regret a thing.

I'm going to issue a warning now: this isn't a peppy post. And not that many dudes read my blog (besides Adam, I don't think any males do) - but this is probably more female-focused than most. Take heed. 

I am very much looking forward to Thanksgiving next week and the holidays around the corner… this time of year makes me think a lot about my family and the appreciation and sincere gratefulness I feel for all that I have. And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t extremely excited about the food. To eat with no abandon for countless and delicious snacks, meals and treats? Um, okay.

I miss my Grandma and Grandpa Kayser a lot at Thanksgiving… that was my favorite holiday at their house. I know they’re enjoying it together in Heaven – but I can’t explain how much I wish I could have her famous dumplings this year.

I was able to stop by and visit last time I was home. 

Something that will always live in my brain and my heart is the experience that I went through around this time last year, as well. I’ve been struggling with writing about it, because to be honest – it’s still pretty hard on me. But I think it’s cathartic to let the thoughts and feelings escape my psyche, and I also think it’s important to be open to talking about it, for other reasons. Shortly after we returned from our honeymoon last year, we were happily surprised to find out that I was pregnant. Shocked is probably a better word – since we’d just started talking about “trying,” but I’m not totally sure that either of us was quite “ready.” However, with a missed period and a plus sign on that pregnancy test – Mother Nature was essentially hollering “Ready or not!”

It took about 36 hours to adjust from shock to sheer excitement and joy. We took the test on a Monday and were heading for Ursa/Quincy/Springfield on Wednesday for the Thanksgiving holiday – so I scheduled a doctor’s appointment for before we left, got confirmation that we were indeed, pregnant, and they estimated we were almost 6 weeks along. Which was another shock to me…  before totally grasping and analyzing the complex ovulation process, I was not very good about tracking my cycles. I usually knew approximately when to expect my period – but I didn’t realize I was as late as I was.

It was way too soon, but I couldn’t help myself and made Adam help me put together these cute little “early Christmas gifts” to give our moms that weekend where we wrapped up a couple onesies and applied stickers that said “Grandchild #4 – Eta July” – both of our families were as ecstatic as we were. I remained pregnant for another three weeks and had of course, become the type A obsessive that I am and downloaded every app and started reading every article and book I could about pregnancy and what to expect – literally.  And I was in it to win it – we were having a baby!

It was a Tuesday when I woke up to find a little bit of blood and the cramping started soon after. I tried my best to stay calm, called the doctor who told me to “wait and see,” and of course, I started extensive research on my symptoms and their implications. Most signs were pointing to what I didn’t want to accept… miscarriage. I can remember coming out of the bathroom that morning that it started – Adam was already at work for the day – and I physically knelt beside the bed and through sobs and tears, prayed that it wasn’t happening… that the baby was okay. But it wasn’t – the cramping increased over the next 24 hours and by that Wed. evening, I was completely doubled-over in bed with a heating pad, crying out and experiencing pain like I’d never felt before. I don’t think I slept more than an hour (I don’t think Adam did either) and around 3 or 4am, I got up to use the bathroom and the heavy bleeding had begun. We went in to the doctor the next morning, they performed an ultrasound and confirmed our fears -- there was no longer a fetus in my uterus. We were told to monitor my condition to determine if a procedure would be required – so Adam took the rest of the day off – and we went home to grieve. I naturally shed the baby on Friday. I’ve heard that I was lucky I didn’t have to have a D&C.  Lucky is obviously the last thing I felt at that time.

I think I cried for 2 days straight afterwards. We had my Kayser Family Christmas that weekend, and the rest of the holiday events were taking place the following week, and I got through them all in a blur. I hardly remember them, actually. The hormones and heavy weight of emotion that I was experiencing were unbelievable and devastating. I’d literally just sit and think about what happened all the time… I’d read about what I could or should have done differently. I felt extreme and haunting regret for not paying closer attention and drinking the weekend before I took the pregnancy test. And then at times, I would burst into tears over nothing. I still to this day don't know the cause or reasoning behind why it happened, and that's the knife to the heart of most women who experience miscarriages... there isn't usually an identifiable catalyst -- you're left always questioning and wondering what happened. Adam didn’t know what to do or how to help me. It took weeks, maybe months, before I felt like myself again. And as I said, it still affects me to this day. 

I reflect on this now, and it’s the first time I’ve ever written down or explicitly detailed what happened. Like I said, I think it's important to be open to talking about it, because a lot women go through it and feel ashamed for what happened. I don't put this out there for the world to know about me, like on social media, for example - but it did happen... and it changed me. And even with the major pain and sadness that I experienced last year and that I still feel at times, I am so thankful for my life right now – and that we’re fortunate enough to be bringing another life into the world, too. I think there are a lot of women who go through what I have -- I have a few friends and family members who struggle with fertility, and even though it doesn’t compare to what many of them have endured – I feel as though I can understand the stress, sadness, anger, frustration and wide range of emotions – maybe just a little bit better, after going through a miscarriage. And even now, I'm still extremely nervous about what's to come... we've got 16 weeks left to make sure this turkey is fully cooked (had to throw that T-Giving pun in there) - I think about and pray every day that I'm able to successfully deliver our baby.

In the spirit of Thanksgiving, I make sure to especially think about and recognize all of those women (and their sig. others) that I know who have experienced miscarriages or who understand the pain that comes with fertility struggles. I truly wish that peace can be found in their hearts, that hope never fades, and that gratitude remains true.

Now, let’s move on to talking about happier topics… but I’ll keep it quick, as this post is getting super verbose. We’ve had several fun, productive weeks since I wrote last – the grand finale of the wedding celebrations in St. Louis and Quincy, Adam’s work holiday party, and a quiet weekend at home with painting the nursery, purging clothes, organizing furniture and starting to feel the burn of nesting. The baby is moving a lot, way more noticeable and aggressively these days – and Adam even got to feel him or her from the outside.

All dressed up...

With no beer to flow... for me. 

Lots of adjustments for poor Murph lately, too – the beloved futon that he’s curled up on since coming home with me from the shelter (in grad school, circa 2004) was finally removed to the detached garage, and the loud noises of replacing trim and testing electric outlets had him basically sitting and trembling on my lap all weekend. Just the start of his troubles to come, I’m sure… my apps have told me the last few weeks that the baby can hear things pretty clearly in the outside world – we joke that Truebe Tyke will know Murph quite well by the time he or she arrives.

This made me laugh... totally true. 

One of his last futon naps... amongst Adam's messy clothes.

                     

Let's be real - he's super spoiled; he'll be fine.

My stomach is expanding like crazy, my cravings are severe, but short-lived, and my emotional stability is a tad in-flux. Which is probably both half the reason I decided to write about this today and why I just yelled at Adam for burping near me. I’ve found a few stretch marks (which made me cry), I felt a strong and urgent need to bake homemade cookies and eat a large, unhealthy portion of dough batter (which made me cry), and the cold weather coming in + my inability to make quick decisions and progress in the nursery + missing Jenn’s 8^th annual winery trip and my niece's baptism + some major work stress = me feeling pretty low… which, you guessed it – caused for a serious breakdown in the shower today. 

Eight inches on November 21st... come on, Muskie!

But tomorrow is a new day; it’s a short work week – and I’ll get to see lots of friends and family for Thanksgiving. I refuse to let myself dwell on the negative and think about what I’ve lost or what I struggle with… we’re going to have a kiddo to love, cherish and smooch in real life in less than 4 months. And I’ve already mentioned that eating with no regard excites me greatly, right? I promise to be cheerier next time around. 

Happy Thanksgiving to one and all!